Charming, intelligent, caring…hardly words we’d use to describe a narcissist, but in truth the reason so many get sucked into a narcissist’s world is because your initial exchange with them can almost sweep you off your feet.
The charm quickly wears off the moment a narcissist feels threatened. If they think you’re the threat (of if they feel you can see them for who they really are), then beware for the punishment that follows by way of rumors, bashing...and even physical abuse.
Charm is one way a narcissist will manipulate you…but unfortunately, narcissists are often highly intuitive, too, according to Dr. Judith Orloff, author of Emotional Freedom. This can set you up for experiences you’d never imagine yourself to be a part of because a narcissist with intuition will only use their intuition for their own self-interest. Period.
Aside from the obvious, “all about me” immature nature of some narcissist (easy to spot), some are very advanced at manipulation, pulling you into their world and setting you up for massive emotional abuse and an energy drain leaving you more whipped than a 10K run.
The secret language of narcissists is virtually secret because unless you’ve had a lot of experience, you may not even see the snake until it bites you. We’re talking about the covert narcissist.
Covert narcissists are perhaps the more dangerous of the narcissistic types. Covert narcissist aren’t arrogant or obviously aggressive, but instead, have almost magically reeled you in as their source of "supply" (for your skills, your abilities, your resources, your connections, your money, your company, your whatever they need from you).
The covert narcissists are nice and yet equally draining and extremely dangerous. It’s not always easy to exactly single out what they’re doing wrong, but your gut knows it and you often feel drained, nervous and even angry after spending time with them. These are the wolves in sheep’s clothing and they have a secret language all their own.
How to identify the secret language of covert narcissists:
1. No Energy Match
You feel empty when you’re around them and it doesn’t make sense to you because they use all the right language like, “I love you” or “you’re so beautiful” and even, “I appreciate you.” If the words and the energy don’t match for you…pay attention. Listen to your body signals. Energy doesn’t lie.
2. Poor Me
You feel sorry for them and you naturally want to help. Watch out because once they’ve pegged you as a source of “supply” you’ll be doing all the work for them. These are among the most draining and irritating narcissist. You'll hear things like, “I’m so confused” or “you’re so smart” or “I can always rely on you.” Surely, there are moments in all our lives where we're genuinely confused and help from others is a must. But like the saying goes, teach a man to fish and they’ll have food source for a lifetime…the covert narcissist resists learning and finds somebody else to do the work for them.
3. Ribbons and Bows
The gift (I mean guilt) giver is the covert narcissist who loves to give and do favors as a way to manipulate you. They give because the moment they need you, they expect you to give back to them at the moment they need it and will let you know that you being unavailable is “selfish” considering all they’ve done and given to you. A gift with strings attached is not a gift. Just say NO.
4. Help Me (Not Really)
Obsessed with problems, this covert narcissist won’t call you until they need your advice (which they’ll NEVER take). You may feel good temporarily because they’ve reached out to you, and they say things like, “you’re so smart” or “I look up to you” (and of course, you naturally want to help). If you feel drained and headachy after “helping”, BEWARE, you’re being used as a dumping ground.
5. Broke On Purpose
This parasite has their language on fleek when it comes to excuses about not having money or a job. They don’t even want to do the work to find work. Let’s call a spade a spade here—they’re sponging off of you.
I hope the secret language isn't so secret anymore. The covert narcissist isn’t openly aggressive, but the harm is still the same and often not recognized until you’ve already trusted them (the covert narcissist is “nice” after all)…and then you suddenly and painfully realize years later the monster—the energy vampire—the narcissist behind the mask.
This article is based on my personal experience with narcissists. The emotional damage (and even physical abuse) from a narcissist is not an easy experience to suddenly overcome and “get over.” The effects are long lasting and I can only recommend to educate yourself. Knowledge is powerful, but only when you know how to use it. You deserve healthy and loving relationships.